025

New Gnom City had no outskirts. Outside the city walls were farms, and so the transition to urban life was abrupt. Noah and the group blended in with the crowd coming in through the large gates made from a silvery blue metal. The people were all gnoms from what Noah could tell – short folk with dusky blue skin, either on foot or driving motorized carriages that were like really shitty cars.

The men wore a variety of outfits. The poorer men wore jeans and often a solid colour shirt, or no shirt at all, while those who seemed richer wore elaborate pastel-colour outfits with puffy shoulders. The women, on the other hand, were all dressed the same. They were much shorter than the men – only about three feet tall – and wore white dresses as though they were all headed to their own weddings. Noah found this strange.

As soon as they were in the city, there was little time to gawk – they were in everyone’s way.

“Watch it, champ,” said one gnom to Jori, pushing past him. The group stepped aside under an awning to get their bearings. The awning, like much of the city, was pastel in colour, striped in light pink and soft orange. It was as if the city had a rule against using harsher colours. The shop under the awning sold various jars of food. According to the sign, they were all zero calories. In addition to jars labelled “Cheese Whiz”, there was also “Meat Whiz”, “Bread Whiz”, “Fish Whiz”, and so on. Noah noticed a jar of “Strawberry Whiz”, and wondered what the difference was between that and jam.

“This sure is a busy place,” said Cardi. She had to yell to be heard over the hustle and bustle of gnoms shopping for jars of whiz.

“Aye, ‘tis. Yet, ‘tis wondrous, no? ‘Tis thrilling to explore a new city and a new culture. Behold all the blissful hues! And the petite women in their white gowns are most quant! They nearly resemble sheeple!”

“I’m hungry,” said Cardi.

“Already?” asked Jori.

Sven spoke, “We shouldn’t spend too long wasting time here. We have to get to Hoomtree. But I suppose we have time to eat. Let’s find a place.”

They started walking down the street, looking for a restaurant. Noah was surprised at how modern some of the buildings looked. Some were older, made of smooth stone, but some were metal, with glass windows. That same light blue metal from before. Even though the city, with its well-decorated but rudimentary automobiles, was not modern, it still seemed advanced compared to what he’d seen elsewhere. More like home. Though cities in his home world tended to be a lot more gray. This city was vibrant – full of banners, balloons, and ribbons of all pastel shades. The people and the automobiles matched the colours, and so did the hot air balloons hovering above the city. The city was also exceptionally clean, with no garbage or muck anywhere in sight.

They passed by a lot of different shops, and what looked like office buildings or government buildings. The uniform colour scheme and the abundance of consistent signage and banners reminded Noah of his university campus back home. Adding to that effect was the “Dunk Heritage Library”, a massive marble library that, according to the sign outside, only held audiobooks. Noah wondered how they had audiobooks without computer technology. Maybe it was magic? Or maybe they really knew how to create computers here? They passed a sports stadium of some kind, too.

The people were mostly gnoms. Noah saw one taller person from a distance, but didn’t get a good look. In addition to the people were pets. In New Gnom City, it seemed like everyone had a pet. There were no felines – they were all dogs of some kind or another. But nothing like the dogs Noah was familiar with. Some seemed to be made of ice, and others had fairy wings. The variety was astounding. Noah saw one basset-hound-looking dog covered in grass that reminded Noah of Angel, Chastity’s grasshound.

Finally, they spotted a cafe with a lovely wooden outdoor patio. There were many gnoms there, but nobody was drinking coffee or eating desserts. Instead, they were all posing their food and capturing images on small, circular artifacts, which printed out the final image like a polaroid. Noah’s group was heading to enter the cafe, but Noah saw a gnom man finish taking a picture of his food and drink and then get up and leave without eating or drinking anything.

“What are they doing?” asked Berenice innocently. It was understandable that she wouldn’t get it, but Noah did. They were influencers. They may not have the Internet or social media, but Noah could tell Instagram-style content creation when he saw it.

“I don’t know,” said Sven.

One gnom woman, wearing her standard white dress, exited the patio area with her two dogs, leaving behind a plate of donuts, a croissant, and a latte. One dog was a grasshound, and the other was made of brass and looked like a French horn, with the horn’s bell serving as its mouth. It was cuter than it had any right to be, Noah thought.

“You’re not going to eat that, madam?” asked Sven.

The thin, dusky woman spoke with a very high-pitched, saccharine voice. “Ah, tourists, I presume? This food is not edible. It’s purely for show. They make the best-looking food on 8th Street. My social circle will be overwhelmed with envy when they see the breakfast I’ve had! Of course, I won’t actually indulge. I need to stay thin!”

“I don’t get it. Can someone explain what she means?” asked Cardi.

“I am as bemused as thee,” said Berenice.

“Say, would you like to purchase some photographs?” asked the woman.

“Pictures? Of your breakfast?” asked Sven, raising his eyebrows.

“No, no, not those kinds. I’m talking about photographs of a more tantalizing nature. One envelope goes for fifty porn tokens.” She pulled a pink envelope from her bag, sealed with a red kiss. “Alternatively, consider a subscription model: one naughty picture weekly, for a monthly fee of one hundred and fifty porn tokens. The pictures would be unique, just for you. How does that sound?”

“I’m afraid I’ll pass,” said Sven.

“Porn tokens?” asked Noah.

“Yes, you must have some unspent porn tokens, unless you’re bigger horn dogs than Honkers here,” she said, indicating her French horn dog, who tooted joyfully. “Or maybe you’re more reserved and haven’t earned any? No, that can’t be. You’re both too striking for that! Especially you,” she said to Noah, “Such height, and such charm! It’s too bad you slightly resemble an elf.”

“I’m sorry,” said Noah, “But we don’t know what porn tokens even are. We’re just trying to find a place to eat.”

“Ah, you’re inquiring about real food? Full-calorie? A restaurant down the road, on the right there, serves such food. But moderate your intake – overconsumption is bad for your heart, in more ways than one! Farewell, gentlemen. Ladies,” she nodded, leaving down the street with her two dogs.

“Well, this place is strange,” said Sven.

“What an empty, worthless person,” said Jori.

“Oh, come on Jori, I thought she was lovely!” said Cardi.

“She was kind. Shall we heed her advice?” asked Berenice.

They decided to try the restaurant down the road. They were relieved to find they did serve regular, edible food with real nutrients inside. They were shown to a table. The lighting was dim, and the colours were dark. A contrast to the pastels outside. It was a relaxed, intimate atmosphere.

“Finally. I’m starving,” said Noah.

“Me too,” said Jori.

“Let’s eat quick and then try to figure out how we’re getting to Hoomtree,” said Sven. “They have blimps here, and hot air balloons. Maybe we can rent one. I brought plenty of gold.”

A nasally voice from the table next to them interrupted their conversation. “Did my ears catch a mention of a trek to Hoomtree? What’s the point of going there? Seems like a waste of resources to me.”

Another voice spoke. A different gnom at the same table. Noah noted how feeble the two gnoms looked and how weak their chins were. “Yeah, why would anyone leave the city?” said the second gnom.

“I’m sorry, gentlemen, but we’re not interested in chatting with you,” Sven said firmly.

“Oh, we’re simply being friendly, isn’t that right, Otis?”

“Absolutely. Just a bit of cordial networking. Are your female associates with you? You ladies are both so… hot. Truly, off the charts. Especially the pink one. What I wouldn’t do to you both if I could get away with it.”

“That’s creepy, Otis!” said the other gnom.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant, with mutual consent, we could-“

“Enough,” said Jori. “Shut the fuck up.”

Both gnoms looked appalled. “Hold on, flameblood, are you aware of who you’re addressing? This is my superior. He’s the second assistant to the manager at the post office!”

“Who gives a shit,” said Noah, backing Jori up.

“You know what, Otis? We don’t have to stand for this. Let us find another table. We’ll be extensively documenting this, and circling letters with every detail of this incident!”

“Go for it,” said Jori.

“You are both naught but unlovable dregs. Faint-hearted losers, both,” said Berenice. It seems they’ve offended her, Noah thought.

“Come on, let’s go.”

Both gnoms stood up and moved their plates to a table on the other side of the restaurant, where they eyed the group angrily.

“What a bunch of losers,” said Jori.

“I tend to agree,” said Sven. “Let’s not let them ruin our day. As I was saying, we need to secure passage to Hoomtree and back.”

“And back?” asked Berenice.

“Did Noah not inform you of the full plan?” asked Sven. “We will deliver the cure to the elves, but in exchange, we’ll request aid from them in dealing with Antimogne. He plans to help the golgotha kill the Eye, and insert himself as prime god.”

“Will Emperor Antimogne even survive, now that the sheeple are being unshackled?”

“Yeah, won’t Vincenzio and them kill him?” asked Noah.

“They’ll surely try, but Antimogne is powerful and has powerful allies. And even if he falls, if the artifact makes it to Golgotha, the fragment of Antimogne’s soul in the artifact will be enough for him to return to life as prime god.”

“Should we not merely forewarn the golgotha?” asked Berenice.

“No. We can’t. If they knew of the artifact and Antimogne’s plan, they’d use it to kill the Eye and install the Foot as prime god instead. No, our only option is to destroy the artifact ourselves.”

Cardi listened to this conversation with wide eyes. “I have another idea,” she said slowly.

“Yes?”

“What if we made the Heart the prime god?”

“What?” asked Jori. “No way.”

“Hmm,” speculated Sven, “It is a possibility.”

“No shot,” said Jori.

“The Heart is the most benevolent of all the outer gods,” said Sven. “As an altruist, I am partial to her. Noah, what do you think?”

“I don’t know. I agree that the Heart seems nice enough. But choosing which god gets to be in charge seems like a lot of responsibility. I don’t know.”

“You’re right. Let’s not worry about it for now. Even stopping Antimogne at all will be tough. We can worry about other possibilities later.”

“I agree,” said Berenice.

Their food came, and they ate. The place specialized in pasta dishes. Heavy carbs. Full calories. Noah and the group gorged themselves quickly. When they were done eating, they asked the waitress where they’d go to catch a ride on a blimp.

“Oh, the transportation union is just two streets down, on 11th. You can’t miss it. Now, with tip, that comes to forty-four food tokens.”

“Oh,” said Sven, “I was hoping we could pay with gold?” he said, offering gold and silver coins in his palm.

“Put those away!” shouted the waitress. “Are you trying to get this establishment shut down? Metal coins are no good here! If you’re not equipped with authentic food tokens, then I’m calling law enforcement!”

“Whoa, good lady, please, calm down,” said Sven. “We are new to the city, that’s all. We’re not familiar with your laws and customs.”

“Where would we get food tokens?” asked Noah bluntly.

“Same place as everyone else!” Said the waitress. “Sell food, or exchange higher-tier tokens at the bank. We also have a conversion machine near the door for your convenience.”

“Oh dear,” said Berenice.

“What tokens do you have?” asked the waitress. The group looked at each other awkwardly. “You don’t have any tokens? Unbelievable! I’m calling law enforcement!”

“Wait, please,” said Sven. “You said we can exchange higher tier tokens for food tokens?”

“What sorts of tokens rank above food tokens?” asked Berenice.

The waitress sighed. “From lowest to highest – clothing, home, pet, entertainment, transportation, drug, porn.”

“Porn tokens are the highest tier?” asked Noah.

“Naturally,” said the waitress. “The government wishes to discourage expenditure in the pornography sector.”

“So if we could sell clothing, home goods, or so on, we could exchange the funds we get for food tokens and pay for our meal?” asked Sven.

“Yes,” said the waitress. “If you can find someone to buy. But you’re not leaving the restaurant. I don’t see how you’re gonna make any tokens here.”

“Trouble with your cash flow?” asked one of the two annoying gnoms who had moved tables earlier. They were now standing behind the waitress and were smirking at Noah’s group.

“What do you want?” asked Noah. The smug expression on their faces annoyed him.

“It appears you’re in a bit of a pickle, and we considered the possibility of offering some assistance,” smiled one of the gnoms.

“How?” asked Noah. “Are you going to pay for our food?”

“Well, no, distributing funds without an exchange is no good. What lesson would that impart? However, perhaps you could earn the money?”

Noah sighed. Both of the gnoms were grinning at their group, and Noah could tell they had ill intent. “How?” he asked flatly.

“Well, Otis here says he’s interested in acquiring some photographs of a pornographic nature featuring the sheep girl, in exchange for some porn tokens. I don’t see what he sees in her, but he’s smitten.”

“Absolutely not,” said Noah.

Jori stepped forward, but Sven put a hand on his chest to stop him. “We’re not interested,” said Sven. “We shall find another way to pay our bill.”

“Pictures?” asked Berenice. “Of what kind? Solely by myself?”

“Yes!” smiled the gnom. “Featuring your naked body. Your breasts are, of course, covered by your wool, but Otis would be hungry for images featuring your rear and your genitalia.”

“Why would he want that?” asked Cardi innocently.

“These guys are creeps, Cardi. And she’s not gonna do it,” said Noah.

“I shall do it. It bothers me not. Whatever hastens our departure from here,” said Berenice.

“You can’t be serious,” said Sven.

“Here, take our camera!” snickered the gnom, handing a disk-shaped artifact to Berenice. “Go in the restroom and capture a lot of high-quality images. We’re not paying for subpar photos! Ensure they are most explicit, and captivating!”

“Yes, I shall,” said Berenice unceremoniously as she walked past the gnoms into the bathroom. The gnoms seemed giddy that she was actually going to do it.

“I must admit, I’m surprised she’d do it,” said Sven. “I thought she’d sooner put her metal fists through their faces.”

“I still don’t see what the point is of the pictures,” said Cardi. “Why do they wish to inspect her genitals?”

“They’re perverts,” said Noah. “They can’t get anyone to have sex with them, so having nude pictures to jerk off to is the next best thing.”

“We are not perverts!” said the gnom Otis, scowling at Noah.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“We have sex all the time!”

“Yeah, maybe with each other,” quipped Noah.

The two gnoms looked at each other embarrassed, both blushing. “The current dating landscape is challenging, alright? The modern emphasis on virginal purity is a pointless obsession, and makes it hard for young men like us. You can’t blame someone for preferring his friend’s rump to his own hand.”

“Dear Eye in the sky,” grumbled Jori.

“The women here do seem obsessed with purity, what with the white dresses. They remind me of young vampire women in that respect,” said Sven.

“And elves,” said Noah.

“Oh, come on, we’re hardly as bad as elves!” said one of the gnoms.

Berenice strutted out of the bathroom and pushed the round camera and round printed photographs into the chest of one of the gnoms, startling him.

“There. Art we finished?”

The gnoms looked at the pictures, giddy with excitement. “My word, Otis, observe how her curvaceous rump frames her glistening privates so delightfully! You have earned your tokens, sheep!” The gnom handed Berenice a handful of pink, plastic tokens.

“Indeed! And see how artfully she separates her white wool with her fingers! I’m claiming this one for myself!”

“No, this one is mine!” The gnoms started pulling on the round Polaroid, fighting over it.

“Hand it over!”

“Otis, you’d better give it up! You can have a different one!”

Noah’s group left the two gnoms fighting over Berenice’s pictures and went to the machine with the waitress to exchange their tokens.

“Those must be some pictures,” smirked Sven. Berenice smiled at him sidelong, but said nothing.

They inserted the handful of pink porn tokens into the machine, selected the orange food tokens, and turned the crank. The machine ate the pink porn tokens and spat out the same number of orange food tokens.

“Thanks,” said the waitress curtly after Berenice handed her payment plus tip. The food itself was cheap, but the mandatory tip was over 100% of the original bill.

“Well, shall we head to the transportation union?” asked Sven.